Bull Dork (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} prufrock451) wrote,@ 2005-04-18 10:50:00 |
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Papabile!
Dear College of Cardinals:
While I understand that your cellphones, Blackberries, PCs, iPods, heliographs, carrier pigeons, RNA metavirus transcribers, astral projection crystals, and other forms of communication have been confiscated for the duration of the conclave, I imagine that one or two of you are intrepid enough to have smuggled something capable of reading this blog into the basilica, probably in your rectum. In that case, congratulations and, also, gross.
I would like to suggest something to you. Why pick an old, old man like Cardinal Ratzinger? Sure, he's the Machiavelli of your little tribe, but he's 78 and then you'll need to do this all over again in a year or two. Why pick Cardinal Schonborn? He's a stuck-up know-it-all with a showdog pedigree. He'll make you feel stupid and inferior. And he'll be NICE about it. In-suf-fer-a-b-le.
Pick me. I'm 30, which means I'll be around forever. You'll never get to be pope. But here's the thing- I don't know JACK about Catholic theology. I can't speak Latin without phonetic cue cards. I'm not especially ascetic or holy. These are plusses- because that means I'll be dependent on you for about everything outside wiping my own butt.
Wouldn't it be nice to be really, truly needed? Wouldn't it be nice to pilfer the Vatican's accounts because I'd rather play Hearts of Iron II than review the ledgers? Wouldn't it be nice to have a girlfriend without the Pope being all high-and-mighty, cause I'd be sneaking Jessica into the Sistine for, you know, dates?
Think about it. I only have two conditions. 1) Don't make me "Celestine X" or whatever, because I'd feel really uncomfortable being addressed as Celestine. 2) T3 connection. I want phat pipe broadband.
I expect to see black smoke within the hour! Thanks!
Dear College of Cardinals:
While I understand that your cellphones, Blackberries, PCs, iPods, heliographs, carrier pigeons, RNA metavirus transcribers, astral projection crystals, and other forms of communication have been confiscated for the duration of the conclave, I imagine that one or two of you are intrepid enough to have smuggled something capable of reading this blog into the basilica, probably in your rectum. In that case, congratulations and, also, gross.
I would like to suggest something to you. Why pick an old, old man like Cardinal Ratzinger? Sure, he's the Machiavelli of your little tribe, but he's 78 and then you'll need to do this all over again in a year or two. Why pick Cardinal Schonborn? He's a stuck-up know-it-all with a showdog pedigree. He'll make you feel stupid and inferior. And he'll be NICE about it. In-suf-fer-a-b-le.
Pick me. I'm 30, which means I'll be around forever. You'll never get to be pope. But here's the thing- I don't know JACK about Catholic theology. I can't speak Latin without phonetic cue cards. I'm not especially ascetic or holy. These are plusses- because that means I'll be dependent on you for about everything outside wiping my own butt.
Wouldn't it be nice to be really, truly needed? Wouldn't it be nice to pilfer the Vatican's accounts because I'd rather play Hearts of Iron II than review the ledgers? Wouldn't it be nice to have a girlfriend without the Pope being all high-and-mighty, cause I'd be sneaking Jessica into the Sistine for, you know, dates?
Think about it. I only have two conditions. 1) Don't make me "Celestine X" or whatever, because I'd feel really uncomfortable being addressed as Celestine. 2) T3 connection. I want phat pipe broadband.
I expect to see black smoke within the hour! Thanks!
